Steve Carlton Saves The Day! Boo!

Whilst recently stuck on the phone with one of our, um, emotionally needy sponsors- Bubba Gump Shrimp's Monroe- OBPO worked out the perfect twist cinematic ending to The Sixth Sense. To show them the act of "having been dead the whole time," Shyamafuck would simply play the entire movie up until the reveal, and once there just play another film's length of time just showing what it(the film) would've looked like from the perspective of having been dead the whole time. So, in essence, you spend an entire Sixth Sense of time staring at the "ceiling" of a coffin. Would've urged someone to fucking massacre Shyamalan. "Director mutilated by movie-going extremists..." Have a good day, make millions...die. Maybe Fred Durst would be having lunch with him at the time. THAT'D be a fucking twist.

I am unbelievably high right now.

Of course, from the position of being stoned beyond dimensions- "Getting Daulton'd"- on the phone with Bubba Gump's retarded spokesperson...(not him...) comes more than just shitty film endings. There's also some moderately entertaining snippets to share (in the way you share a trainwreck). For example: As it appears, our Friendly Neighborhood Algernon likes to web sling across Manhattan- wondering if Cubans are Mexican and ending every noun or verb with "-sies." So that, in essence, what we end up with is "worksies," "schoolsies," "fucksies"...and you get the picture.

You should invest in a Sham-Wow(sies).

But anyways, fuck all that. Here's a conversation from PBS Sports- For Those With Slightly Communistic Tendencies:

Kermit the Frog: So you don't want your room smelling of putrid pussy?

Street-Fighter Guile: Fuckin' serious? This shit really happenin'?!

Kermit: It's merely a psychoanalysis, sir.

Guile: Psychoanalysis, faggot?! Psychoanalysis?! I will fucking communicate myself with a system of cocktubes inserted through your shining pearl rectum like Sherman's fuckin' March if you fucking try to "psychoanalysis" me again. We don't play that shit here, dickbagel! Is that clear, you intellectual Pinko Panther? This is fuckin' America! America, you understand?!

Rachel Nichols: Look, fuckhead, my husband didn't come on here for a fucking survey, alright? If he doesn't want his- our- room smelling vaguely of vaginally dipped fishsticks, you just accept that he doesn't! (pause) Rachel Nichols...ESPN!

Kermit: M'am, sir, I promise...no harm is meant. But let's just move along. The crowd has been intently waiting (nervous chuckle).

Nichols: No, no, no, no, no! We are not fuckin' moving anywhere until you drop this Oprah shit. I've already got enough reasons at home to watch a Ted Bundy biopic and go Camp Crystal Lake on a group of moronic, Gonzaga obsessed teens too entranced by my tits to run anywhere. (lights a cigarette) You'd think 8 shitbag motherfuckers and one wishing-well of a cunt would be enough for retribution, right? Jesus fuckin' Christ... (pause) Rachel Nichols...ESPN!

Guile: Damned fuckin' right, cocksailor! What she said!

(Phillies pitcher Steve Carlton walks on the set and removes the cigarette from Nichols)

Carlton: Hey, now...don't you know that smoking rots your teeth, stinks your breath, and wears you out? Not to mention its proven cancerous effects. If you think this makes you "cool," we'll see how hip you look in your funeral. Remember, stay safe; don't smoke.

Guile: And who the fuck is this guido-lookin', assraid motherfucker?

Carlton: (sings) G.I. JOE!

Guile: G.I. Joe? Motherfucker, you ain't shit till you fly with the Air Force...

(Sarah Palin and Zach de la Rocha walk on)

Palin: Don'cha know it! Real America! Country first!

Kermit: H-hey! Some new guests!

(De la Rocha punches Palin)

Zach de la Rocha: (to Kermit) SHUT THE FUCK UP! (to Palin) SOME OF THOSE THAT WORK FORCES! ARE THE SAME THAT BURN CROSSES!

Nichols: Oh, and look at this menstrual, communist fuck-o! You're so radical...and real. (pause) Rachel Nichols...ESPN!

Guile: Yeah, I'll bet you he chokes on party-bags of cocks! Right, Stalin?

Kermit: People, I urge of you! Settle down!

Zach de la Rocha: FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YA TELL ME!

(Zach de la Rocha punches Kermit and starts eating a potted flower)

Zach de la Rocha: I AM THE KING OF FRANCE!

(De la Rocha drops the pot- shattering it all over the floor- and starts doing a worm dance on the jagged ceramic)

Guile: ...The FUCK?!

(Guile cranks back and fires...a redwood log of a turd towards him. Or a Sonic Boom. Whichever works best for you. But it accidentaly nails Palin) <- I just noticed that, and I'm mildly amused, and impressed, by my subconscious for it.

Palin: (sparks fly) Grayayayauwauaayaya!!! I'M BURNING UP! I'M HOT! I'M DEAD! I CAN FLY, DAMMIT! I'VE GOT THE KIND OF EYES THAT WRITE HIT PIANO SONGS! POUND ME, PLUMBER, POUND ME! I'M A MOUND OF TOASTED ASHES! AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL! (slouches over, shuts off, smoke is coming out)

Zach de la Rocha: A BULLET IN YA HEAD! A BULLET IN YA HEAD! A BULLET IN YA HEAD!

(Hans Gruber storms over angrily from the backstage area)

Hans Gruber: Shit! Tits! Balls! These Skynet models are always bloody- hey! cool it, Rickman! I'm running this show now- screwing up! I'm so going yippie-ki-yay on that worthless Dan Quayle motherfucker's woman tonight!

(Kermit gets up, frustratedly, and marches over to the camera people)

Kermit: What the hell is going on here, everyone?! What's happening to my show?!

(Gruber makes off with Palin over to the backstage)

Guile: (sings) Papa don't preach! I'm in trouble deep! Papa don't preach! I've been losin' sleep!

Carlton: That's two Madonna references in one broadcast. You all should really explore your local libraries. It pays to have a broad vocabulary. Remember, knowledge is always power. (sings) G.I. J-

Guile: Fuck you, Coast Guard!

(Guile sonic booms again, but hits a lamp hanging over, which falls directly on Zach de la Rocha, seemingly "frying" him to his death)

Carlton: Hey now kids, violence is never the answer. Don't hurt yourselves; you should be storing that in for the commies. Remember, I'm not a hero because I shoot people; I'm a hero because I save lives. (sings) G.I. JOE!

(Kermit turns around and shoots Carlton)

Kermit: Fuck that...I'm the goddamn hero...Now can we get the goddamn hell back to the show, please?!

Guile: Fine. Hit me.

(Kermit reaches back to punch Guile)

Guile: Not like that, retard! With your fuckin' psycho-whatever shit.

Kermit: Oh, um, ok...well...

Guile: For today, cocksucker...

Kermit: Alright, alright...Um, let's see...Oh, wait, here's a good one for you: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?

Guile: (laughs) Hey Kermit, what would you do if I told you your commie, pinko mother sucked so much dick, her face looked like an egg?

Kermit: Eh?

(Guile sonic booms Kermit, but hits a gas drum next to him, instead, which promptly explodes and engulfs him and all the camera assistants in the flames)

Guile: (to Kermit) Just some'a that psychowork, bonertoaster. (to Nichols) Alright Rach, this shit's our now. Let's get to fuckin' work on that pussy. Right here on commiefag T.V...

Nichols: (sigh) Whatever keeps you from jerking it all over the IKEA catalogs. (pause) Rachel Nichols...ESPN!

(Guile excitedly whips out his cock)

Guile: Oh, you're gonna need a bigger fuckin' boat for this.

Nichols: (pause) ...Rachel Nichols...ESPN!

Sal Paolantonio: (from off-set) Sal Paolantonio, BITCH! (loud crash)

(Nichols reveals her bare ass, bends over, and Guile seamlessly works his way into that backdoor like it's last place in the NL Central and his cock is the Pittsburgh Pirates)

Guile: HUCK IT! CHUCK IT! FOOTBALL!

(Guile lets out a sonic boom by accident that unleashes the bear being kept in the room next door for the following show. Once it finds its way on set, it proceeds to first tear every member of the crowd to Cheerios in a furious rage...and then goes Sigfried and Roy on the pornstars. Once said bear goes off to the streets, Zach de la Rocha gets up and walks away, apparently unscathed)

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...Less suitable for work or children than the Old Testament.