Apparently this is the next big blockbuster we're being treated to. PBS Sports- For Movie Pirates stole a sneak peak on the upcoming script and sent it along our way.
The Cast
- Cole Hamels played by Shia LaBeouf
- Carlos Ruiz played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
- Jayson Werth played by Martin Lawrence
- Brad Lidge played by Nicholas Cage
- Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard played by Cuba Gooding Jr.
- Charlie Manuel played by Sean Connery
- Citizens Bank Park played by Ben Affleck
EXT. Citizens Bank Park- Night.
Having overcome a 2-70 start, Albanian separatists hijacking the team plane, and a strange alien craft landing in RF during a mid-July game and blowing everything in sight up, the Philadelphia Phillies stand in position to clinch the NL East with a record of 92-70 on the season's final game. This against the hated Mets, no less, who were coming off a 132-30 season in which they swept the Phils out of the NLCS by using cybernetic organisms out of the bullpen and distributing performance enhancing drugs around the clubhouse. We are in the 5th inning, where the Phillies hold a comfortable 6-2 lead. But unbeknownst to the movie-going denizens of cold, dreary Philadelphia, those mysterious Mets still have something up their sleeves (EDIT: Shyamalan, get the fuck out of my script...).
Ruiz: Alright, Cole, baby, give it to your catcher.
Hamels: WOAH! HEY! WOAHHEY!
Ruiz: Just settle in there, Cole. This game belongs to Ruiz.
Hamels: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Rollins: Come on you...crazy crazed pitcher, you. Strike this guy out so I can go do something quirky in the batter's box.
Howard: Yeah, hahaha! We'll all go to my momma's house and try real hard to be generally inoffensive after this, Hamels, in a really loveably funny way! But get us through, my man!
Werth: I AIN'T LIKIN' THIS, GUYS! WHY THE HELL THEY GOTTA BE TAKIN SO LONG? CHAAAARLIE?! CHAAAAAARLIE?!?!
Hamels: HEY! HEY! HEYHEY! WE ARE NOT THROWING THE FASTBALL! THEY'LL HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK AND THE UMPS WILL GIVE THEM 5 RUNS INSTEAD OF 4 ON SOME BULLSHIT TECHNICALITY!
Ruiz: (monotonous tone) Alright, now we're not throwing the fastball. But this is a funny situation now, because I'm so big and in control of everything, but I can't decide what pitch to call. It's like if I were a prima donna quarterback and an illegitimate child of mine showed up one day.
Manuel: I tell ya, Richie, m'boy, if he don't throw that fastball here, we're doomed. Doomed, I say. But I'll rise above it all in a rare moment of courageous leadership.
Megan Fox: Oops? Am I streaking on the field? Hey, look, a penny! Maybe I'll bend over to pick it up...like this.
(Megan Fox bends over seductively to pick up the penny, giving Ebert a heart attack in theaters- thus guaranteeing box office success for at least 2 weeks)
Hamels: WHY DON'T WE ALL GO TO THE DRIVE IN MOVIE FOR SOME CHEESEBURGERS AND FRIES AFTER THIS, GUYS?!?!?!
Ruiz: Because the underlying plot of this film is that we really don't like you all that much and you must overcome that. Now put it in my glove like a real man would, so The Ruiz can take over at the plate.
(Hamels delivers a fastball down the plate, which is smashed into the upper deck for a grand slam. Meanwhile, Werth bends over for something which can't be seen clearly by the audience, but the end result is a rather large explosion down the third base line)
Umpire: Hey, Werth, that's a bullshit technicality, as it says so right here in the rulebook! (umpire pulls out a rulebook) Tack on an extra run!
(Tension is felt. Charlie Manuel goes to the mound)
Ruiz: I feel tension.
Manuel: Gentlemen, we are down but never out. Beaten but never destroyed. Tread upon, but never trampled. We stand here at the gates of our demise, wondering when's gonna be our time. Our time to rise above everything we've faced, men, and come together as a...Aww, fuck it. Someone get Lidge.
(Bullpen phone rings. Lidge is summoned)
Lidge: I hate my career...
It looks to be a classic.
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