PBS Sports- For Those Without Faces recently hosted a roundtable discussion featuring some of its demographic's more iconic figures. We have but a snippet.
Kurt Cobain: So, in essence, what we're seeing here is the evolution of the modern political system.
JonBenét Ramsey: Oh, look at you, Kurt! All high and fucking mighty 'cause you could once get loaded on cheap Washington smack and strum the chords to a Boston song like Spud in Trainspotting. Fuck you, you flannel wearing cocksmacker.
Kurt Cobain: I believe what we're seeing here is a bit of misplaced aggression, Ms. Ramsey? You have to do as the doctors told you: Direct it at only those who hurt you.
JonBenét Ramsey: What "we're" seeing, Kurt? What "we're" fucking seeing?! You always say that, like if the entire motherfucking planet is on your wavelength. Newsflash, dickwillow, we're not all sailing on purple clouds to majestic mountains of fermented pixie dust! For some of us, it's just "hmm...that turd is a weird color" or "wow, 37 parts of me are spread across a motherfucking basement." But you wouldn't understand that, would you...you narcissistic prick. No fucking wonder Courtney Love blew a hole through your face and ran off with your fame.
Ed Gein Victim: Wow...that's a bit, um, unnecessary, don't you think?
JonBenét Ramsey: Oh, shut the fuck up! At least an old man didn't turn my kidneys into a double-sided, razor edged dildo.
Kurt Cobain: (sigh) Since you can't be saved, let's just call on our next guest. He's a-
JonBenét Ramsey: He's a fucking belligerent homofaggot, that's what the fuck he is. And let me guess, Kurt, he's got- gasp!- NO. FUCKING. FACE. Am I right? Am I right? What a twist! This is Shyamalan stuff, Kurt! Shyamalan stuff.
Kurt Cobain: Right. Well, if you'll all join me in welcoming former Philadelphia Phillies manager Larry Bowa, who recently got piss drunk and went bobbing for apples in a bucket of hydrochloric acid.
(audience cheers)
Kurt Cobain: Hey, Larry.
Larry Bowa: mgrrr, gwrrr. Frrrrg gwrrrr.
JonBenét Ramsey: Well then, aren't you just the cesspool of insight?
Ed Gein Victim: Now, Ms. Ramsey...you remember how hard it was for you to speak clearly at first without a face.
JonBenét Ramsey: (lights cigarette) Another word out of you and I'll use your skull to drink my tomato soup out of. Clear, cocksprinkles?
Kurt Cobain: Ramsey! What the fu- heck- are you doing?! You can't smoke in here!
JonBenét Ramsey: Says Smacky the Midnight Dragon? I think I'll smoke all I want, cuntfester.
Larry Bowa: Mwwwrrrgggg! Gwrrg!
Ed Gein Victim: Alright, Ramsey...this is going way too far! There's people looking up to us!
JonBenét Ramsey: I warned you, you fucking glorified Halloween costume.
Ed Gein Victim: Oh, fuck this! At least my parents don't play Where's Waldo with my vital organs on my 11th fucking birthday!
JonBenét Ramsey: Know what, asshole? This is fucking ON! (begins yelling) RAAAAAWR! RAWWWR! I AM A SUN KISSED QUEEN! LICK MY LOCUST PUSSY! DEVOUR ME! RAAWWWRRR!
(Ed Gein Victim starts throwing things)
Kurt Cobain: Ladies, Gentlemen, please! Settle down! We're not even halfway through! Think of the children!
JonBenét Ramsey: Fuck you, and fuck the fucking children, dickbuckets! I KEEL DOSE COCKROACHES!
Larry Bowa: Gwwrrrr Rwwrgg!!!
Kurt Cobain: (sobbing) Please! I can't take any more of this! Settle down!
JonBenét Ramsey: You gonna write a whiney fucking song about me, Kurt? "Oh, Rape ME! Rape me, ballotpenis!"
(Larry Bowa collapses onto the floor and begins vomiting all over himself)
Ed Gein Victim: BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE! I'LL KILL ANY MOTHERFUCKIN' WHITE PEOPLE I LAY MY EYES ON!
(Kurt Cobain picks up a shotgun and blasts himself)
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...If there is a Hell, I'm pretty sure I've got a penthouse suite waiting for me there.
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