Daulton In The Sky With Diamonds

Being that we are the leading source for objective, nonbiased Philadelphia Phillies information in the greater Halifax, Nova Scotia area, we at Objective Phillies Blog of Objective recently got the chance to sit down with former Philadelphia Phillie greats Darren Daulton and John Kruk in between takes of PBS Sports- For Those Who've Been To Mars...Naked for an enjoyable hour and a half of cocaine, baseball talk, and more rancid pussy than a third-rate gangsta rapper's attempted hit single.

We hereby dub this moment Tha Lil 'D Tapez.

KuntzWhale: Darren, Krukie, nice of you to take time out of your busy schedules to sit with me this morning.

Kruk: Oh, it's no problem, I don't have to go in-

Daulton: Of course. Having defeated Xergonan VI on his home planet of Kanesia last night, I thought this was the only logical step left.

KuntzWhale: Sure...So moving along then, everyone in the greater Halifax, Nova Scotia area remembers fondly the times you both spent with the Phranchise. What moments as a Phillie stand out for the two of you?

Kruk: For me it has to be-

Daulton: Hitting all those balls over the phence? Haha! Get it? Balls!

Kruk: Yeah, I got it...

Daulton: Ahahaha! Then you must be dying inside! Ahahaha! Balls! But anyways, I still remember like tomorrow the day the Great Sewer Rat Craphesius tried to take Mitch Williams hostage before Game 6 of the '93 Series. Using only a paperclip and the lessons taught to me in the Dimension of Askasia, I was able to wrangle the rodent down with its own tentacles, thus freeing Mitch before he was due to enter the game.

KuntzWhale: ...Weren't you at catcher right before he came in?

Daulton: I move at the speed of thunder!

Kruk: (laughing) He was probably baked at the time.

Daulton: Baked is what you'll be if you once again tempt the wrath of my Lord, Resgortas, Kruk. You one ball one strike count.

Kruk: (stares blankly)

(Daulton falls on the floor in laughter)

KuntzWhale: ...With all that said, Krukie, we've seen how your post ballplaying career has gone.

(Kruk smiles and acknowledges. Then releases a firebomb of a fart. The room has to be cleared for 10 minutes and 2 camera men lose their lives.)

10 MINUTES LATER

KuntzWhale: Hoo boy! That was a rough one, and trust me...I've dealt some of my own!

Daulton: Venonat! I caught a wild Venonat!

Kruk: ...?

Daulton: Pokemon, you simpleton! Don't you see its majestic splendor, its grandiose grandeur?

Kruk: Grandiose grandeur...you're the next Poe.

Daulton: Fuck you, Krukie! I sense sarcasm in your words. You're lucky I don't use all my strength to banish you forever behind the 70 foot golden-laser walls of the Magnomia Kingdom.

KuntzWhale: Darren, for just a se-

Daulton: Call me King Frinkle or don't call me at all.

KuntzWhale: King Frinkle...if you could please, for a moment...

Daulton: Uh huh...

Kruk: KuntzWhale, don't bother, man. This is a lost cause. The man lacks grit, hustle, and all the determination necessary for a solid interview.

Daulton: At least someone can tickle my balls, fatty.

KuntzWhale: Darren, I'm serious. I nee-

Daulton: Not my name.

KuntzWhale: (sigh) King Frinkle...I need this-

Daulton: Empress Trudalania.

KuntzWhale: What...?

Daulton: You heard me. Call me Empress Trudalania.

KuntzWhale: But you told me to call you King Frinkle...

Daulton: Well, I changed my mind.

KuntzWhale: Alright then...Empress Trudalania.

Daulton: Senator Franken.

KuntzWhale: WHAT THE FUCK?! LOOK, I DON'T GIVE A HOLY SCREAMING SORCERER'S FUCK WHO YOU ARE AT THIS POINT, DARREN, YOU DEPRAVED SHITBEAR! I JUST NEED A FUCKING INTERVIEW DONE BY THE EVENING, AND ALL I HAVE SO FAR IS ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO GET YOU STUDIED BY EXPERTS IN SOME FANCY UNIVERSITY I CAN'T GET INTO! BUT IS THAT A FUCKING INTERVIEW THE NOVA SCOTIANS WANT? IS IT?! ASSHOLE, IT'S FUCKING NOT! SO YOU'D BETTER TUCK YOUR RAMPANT INSANITY AWAY LIKE I IMAGINE YOU DO WITH YOUR COCK FOR JUST A FLYING DRAGON'S FUCKING SECOND AND ANSWER SOME SIMPLE GODDAMN BASEBALL QUESTIONS! IS THAT TOO MOTHERFUCKING HARD, JIZZSTOOLIE?!

(Daulton starts crying)

Intern: CuntWhale! The pizza and hookers are here!

KuntzWhale: It's KuntzWhale!

Kruk: Oh my God! Oh my Jesus! Oh my Yahweh! Oh my Buddha! Oh my Denny's Grand Slam! Did someone say PIZZA?!

Intern: Huh? Yeah...there's pi-

Kruk: KRUK HUNGRY! KRUK EAT!

(KuntzWhale- me- buries his head in his hands)

Daulton: (crying) Why can't anybody love me? Why must I be laughed at in all my dimensional forms?

(While running to the pizza, Kruk trips over a camera assistant, thus killing her)

Kruk: What the fuck, whore?! Can't you see a man is starving here?! You and me, we're done...PROFESSIONALY!

(KuntzWhale throws his notes up and walks away, dejected)

Fin.