My World: Boooo!

During the frigid winter of 2007, before OBPO was delivering the kind of objective reporting that the Greater Halifax area has become accustomed to, I worked as a survey filler for a local Philadelphia Sports questionnaire service. Times were rough back then, with the economy being stable enough to keep me from getting fired from that war crime of a job, but I managed to work with the diligence of a young Ivan DeJesus crossed with Gob Bluth. I was granted many-a-blowjob while answering "Is Andre Iguodala really the next A.I.?" My response was always NO, of course. There can only be one true A.I., and we'll never fucking see it because Stanley Kubrick died while production was underway. Fuck you, Speilberg; you Deus Ex Machina whore! (just kidding, but your car is parked in front of mines)

Anyhow, here's some questions that stood out to me.

Q: An extraterrestrial race invades the Philly area and challenges you to assemble a team of the five most capable local athletes, lest you face the extermination of Philadelphia itself. Who do you go with?
A: I hate Philly. Eric Lindross, Freddie Mitchell, Pat Burrell, Ty Detmer, and Chris Webber circa 2006.

Q: Which Philly sports title has meant the most to you?
A: I don't know...which German World War victory has meant the most to them? See what I did there?

Q: The Vet or Citizens Bank?
A: The Vet. At least there I could pour beer down an innocent 12 year old boy's training bra and not get slapped with some bullshit PC charges. Times were different, ya know? BOOOOO!

Q: Phamous Philly Phans. How do you Pheel about them?
A: Who the fuck wrote this? Dr. Seuss? "One Phish, Two Phish, Red Phish...Hey, We're Eliminated Phrom Playoff Contention Again!" And why should I give a fuck whether or not Cory and Eric Matthews still ravenously masturbate on camera to Curt Schilling?

Q: You're given the chance to watch ONE defining moment in Philadelphia sports history live. Which is it?
A: Between the Sixers blowing the Finals, the Eagles forgetting the NFL works on clocks, or the Phils and Flyers royally fucking shit up...I think I'll just settle for a Billy Mays commercial and cut my losses (pun sort of intended).

Q: PBS Sports. Yay or Nay?
A: Yay. The interview they did with Mike Lieberthal for PBS Sports- For Those Who Can No Longer Control Their Own Bowel Movements was ace.

Q: The Phillies are an out away from winning it all, but face a runner on second, a one run lead, and the opposing team's MVP candidate hitter is coming to the plate. If you're allowed to make one call to the bullpen and bring in any Phamous Philadelphian...ever, who do you call upon?
A: Mitch Williams, so I can commiserate with a whole new generation. Or Rodney Anonymous of the Dead Milkmen. At least there'll be no delusions there. BOOOO!

Q: In the film era, what has been the most accurate portrayal of what it feels like to remain loyal to your Philly teams?
A: Tom Hanks.

Q: Assuming the day will come, is your championship celebration being practiced?
A: Practiced? Practiced?! Nah...fuck it. Too easy.