Boooooo

This team stole my bike and left it in a ditch. This team burnt my bootlegged copy of the second half of the Donnie Darko VHS- last in its existence. This team established surveillance in front of my house. This team has the original Zapruder Film. This team is a solar eclipse, a black hole, and a meteor the size of Texas, which Ben Affleck has to go drill in (once he's done bedding lesbians). This team is evil incarnate- quite possibly the baseball team equivalent of a self-indulgent Jonas Brothers guitar solo (surprising, sure, but you still hope apocalypse on it). This team is Kevin Costner. Hell, this team is Kevin Costner's fucking band- headling Woodstock. On terrible LSD.

They can't fly straight, they can't talk right, they can't even look normal for 15 minutes in their own fucking parade. They look like a bunch of X-Men on crack. It makes me sad for humanity. It makes me wish there'd been enough room for everyone on the evolution bus (as there would've been, if not for those pig capitalists).

I want season tickets.

This is the part where I boo. Boooooooooooooooo.