OBPO, in sticking to its principles of value, honor, and cherry-apple daquiries, recently scored a hot interview with former Phillie great, and clubhouse leader during the magical 1995 season, Jim Eisenreich on his Phils career and militant Black Panther views. Being a gracious guest, Mr. Eisenreich had brought us donuts, until he realized our interviewer- the lovely Alanis Morrissette- was white. At which point the donuts were just thrown all over the place. Small animals were hurt.
In trying to diffuse the situation, Alanis allowed Eisenreich to blaze a blunt thick enough to feed a small town. Always being a good pressure guy, himself, Jim soon started demanding Ms. Morrissette take some monstrous hits herself, lest he slice a ho up. Shit nearly went down, but Alanis took him up on the offer, skeptically. Astonishingly enough, the guy didn't have schwag-dirt shit laced with, like, Lysol. All was good, but the principles of journalism kind of went out the window relatively quickly. And Eisenreich tried to start a riot.
Here's all we managed to salvage.
Morrissette: How about some Denny's, then, Jim? Can we go there?
Eisenreich: Denny's?! Motherfuckin' Denny's, you cracker skank?! Do you have any ounce of a fuckin' clue who's backs the fuckin' Denny's franchise was built on?!
Morrissette: ...A guy called Denny's?
Eisenreich: Word, bitch! But the dude was a motherfuckin' brotha! I ain't gettin' behin' no place that impedes the advacement of my peoples, ya digg?
Morrissette: ...I just want a fucking Grand Slam.
Eisenreich: Course ya do, ya fuckin' two dollar wonderbread ho! But the brothers ain't standin' down for Whitey's requests no more, bitch. We gon' fuckin' get our respect. By ANY means necessary!
Morrissette: Man, you're being a real high killer right now...
Eisenreich: Nah, bitch! White Devils is all this Zulu Nation motherfucker hunts. Ya digg?
Morrissette: Not in the least of bits, can you try that in-
Eisenreich: Course ya don't, slut! Y'all people's was all hidin' in caves, scared of the sun, an' shit when the beautiful black man was buildin' an empire-
Morrissette: And that's got to do with...what?
Eisenreich: -Then one day y'all ups and comes on motherfuckin' gun powder, an' shit. Next thing a brother knows, we on ships headed to some far'way land, an' shit. Motherfuckin' Whiteys think they gots themselves a gun, so they runnin' this shit now-
Morrissette: Will you shut up?!
Eisenreich: -Motherfucker, we didn't land on no Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on US! And it just goes on an' on an' on, an' shit like that-
(Rahm Emmanuel comes on set) <- He's our boss
Rahm: For fuck's sake...is he gonna talk Phillies or not? Cause if he's not, I got people waiting in line like it's a fucking Hustler garage sale outside.
Morrissette: I'm trying, seriously. He's just...I don't know
Eisenreich: -An' who the fuck is this Yahweh motherfucker?!
Rahm: (to Morrissette) Retarded?
Eisenreich: You poke any fuckin' eyes out with that thing on your face, Jerusalem?
Rahm: Listen, dickfairy, another fucking word from you, and I'll show you why in fucking hell everyone else COWERS at the sight of a pissed off Jew!
Eisenreich: Yeah...you gon' tell me 'bout how you lost that middle finger, too?
Rahm: Mother of Kosher Blowjobs...I will have you off this set before the fucking Einstein Bagels commercial is over...ya digg?
Eisenreich: Oh, look at this big an' mighty, media-controllin' Jew. You done exploitin' poor nations now so you gone back to sheltering your white viewin' audience from the brotha man's truth?! Ready to drive out the black element...again?! Now what the fuck you call that?!
Morrissette: Inter-galactic civil war?
Eisenreich: GENTRIFICATION!
Rahm: Man...you're FUCKING WHITE! ARE YOU NOT AWARE OF THIS, ASSHOLE?!
Morrissette: That's what I told him! But he went off on a rant about "racist-ass Boston Celtic shit" and "cutting me, buttermilk crackwhore"
Eisenreich: (to Rahm) The fuck you say to me, Shylock?!
Rahm: Oh, diggin' deep for that anti-semitism, aren't we?
Morrissette: ...I quit. Screw this. I'm not waiting any longer. Denny's it is. Send the check to my publicist, Rahm.
(Eisenreich pulls out a gun and starts shooting the lights)
Eisenreich: Dark as a motherfucker now! Jim X FOREVER! ZULU FUCKIN' NATION!
Rahm: ...This is so dumb.
Eisenreich: Shut the fuck up! FREE MUMIA! FREE HUEY-
Rahm: He's dead...
Eisenreich: I said...SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. THE BROTHERS GON' BE FREE!
(Eisenreich starts throwing things around, and Rahm takes a seat on a couch)
Eisenreich: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY EYE?!
Rahm: ...Eh?
Eisenreich: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIE?!
Rahm: Now there's street-cred. Bo-Rhap makes you wanna up and riot for Rodney, white boy?
(Eisenreich walks up to Rahm, pulls out his cock and smacks him across the face with it, knocking him out cold. On his way off set, a black tech assistant walks up to Eisenreich, punches him out cold, strips him, and drags the body out to the street, leaving him to fend for himself in the frigid cold Philly road- during rush hour traffic)
Fin.
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