Being that we are the leading source for objective, nonbiased Philadelphia Phillies information in the greater Halifax, Nova Scotia area, we at Objective Phillies Blog of Objective recently got the chance to sit down with former Philadelphia Phillie greats Darren Daulton and John Kruk in between takes of PBS Sports- For Those Who've Been To Mars...Naked for an enjoyable hour and a half of cocaine, baseball talk, and more rancid pussy than a third-rate gangsta rapper's attempted hit single.
We hereby dub this moment Tha Lil 'D Tapez.
KuntzWhale: Darren, Krukie, nice of you to take time out of your busy schedules to sit with me this morning.
Kruk: Oh, it's no problem, I don't have to go in-
Daulton: Of course. Having defeated Xergonan VI on his home planet of Kanesia last night, I thought this was the only logical step left.
KuntzWhale: Sure...So moving along then, everyone in the greater Halifax, Nova Scotia area remembers fondly the times you both spent with the Phranchise. What moments as a Phillie stand out for the two of you?
Kruk: For me it has to be-
Daulton: Hitting all those balls over the phence? Haha! Get it? Balls!
Kruk: Yeah, I got it...
Daulton: Ahahaha! Then you must be dying inside! Ahahaha! Balls! But anyways, I still remember like tomorrow the day the Great Sewer Rat Craphesius tried to take Mitch Williams hostage before Game 6 of the '93 Series. Using only a paperclip and the lessons taught to me in the Dimension of Askasia, I was able to wrangle the rodent down with its own tentacles, thus freeing Mitch before he was due to enter the game.
KuntzWhale: ...Weren't you at catcher right before he came in?
Daulton: I move at the speed of thunder!
Kruk: (laughing) He was probably baked at the time.
Daulton: Baked is what you'll be if you once again tempt the wrath of my Lord, Resgortas, Kruk. You one ball one strike count.
Kruk: (stares blankly)
(Daulton falls on the floor in laughter)
KuntzWhale: ...With all that said, Krukie, we've seen how your post ballplaying career has gone.
(Kruk smiles and acknowledges. Then releases a firebomb of a fart. The room has to be cleared for 10 minutes and 2 camera men lose their lives.)
10 MINUTES LATER
KuntzWhale: Hoo boy! That was a rough one, and trust me...I've dealt some of my own!
Daulton: Venonat! I caught a wild Venonat!
Kruk: ...?
Daulton: Pokemon, you simpleton! Don't you see its majestic splendor, its grandiose grandeur?
Kruk: Grandiose grandeur...you're the next Poe.
Daulton: Fuck you, Krukie! I sense sarcasm in your words. You're lucky I don't use all my strength to banish you forever behind the 70 foot golden-laser walls of the Magnomia Kingdom.
KuntzWhale: Darren, for just a se-
Daulton: Call me King Frinkle or don't call me at all.
KuntzWhale: King Frinkle...if you could please, for a moment...
Daulton: Uh huh...
Kruk: KuntzWhale, don't bother, man. This is a lost cause. The man lacks grit, hustle, and all the determination necessary for a solid interview.
Daulton: At least someone can tickle my balls, fatty.
KuntzWhale: Darren, I'm serious. I nee-
Daulton: Not my name.
KuntzWhale: (sigh) King Frinkle...I need this-
Daulton: Empress Trudalania.
KuntzWhale: What...?
Daulton: You heard me. Call me Empress Trudalania.
KuntzWhale: But you told me to call you King Frinkle...
Daulton: Well, I changed my mind.
KuntzWhale: Alright then...Empress Trudalania.
Daulton: Senator Franken.
KuntzWhale: WHAT THE FUCK?! LOOK, I DON'T GIVE A HOLY SCREAMING SORCERER'S FUCK WHO YOU ARE AT THIS POINT, DARREN, YOU DEPRAVED SHITBEAR! I JUST NEED A FUCKING INTERVIEW DONE BY THE EVENING, AND ALL I HAVE SO FAR IS ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO GET YOU STUDIED BY EXPERTS IN SOME FANCY UNIVERSITY I CAN'T GET INTO! BUT IS THAT A FUCKING INTERVIEW THE NOVA SCOTIANS WANT? IS IT?! ASSHOLE, IT'S FUCKING NOT! SO YOU'D BETTER TUCK YOUR RAMPANT INSANITY AWAY LIKE I IMAGINE YOU DO WITH YOUR COCK FOR JUST A FLYING DRAGON'S FUCKING SECOND AND ANSWER SOME SIMPLE GODDAMN BASEBALL QUESTIONS! IS THAT TOO MOTHERFUCKING HARD, JIZZSTOOLIE?!
(Daulton starts crying)
Intern: CuntWhale! The pizza and hookers are here!
KuntzWhale: It's KuntzWhale!
Kruk: Oh my God! Oh my Jesus! Oh my Yahweh! Oh my Buddha! Oh my Denny's Grand Slam! Did someone say PIZZA?!
Intern: Huh? Yeah...there's pi-
Kruk: KRUK HUNGRY! KRUK EAT!
(KuntzWhale- me- buries his head in his hands)
Daulton: (crying) Why can't anybody love me? Why must I be laughed at in all my dimensional forms?
(While running to the pizza, Kruk trips over a camera assistant, thus killing her)
Kruk: What the fuck, whore?! Can't you see a man is starving here?! You and me, we're done...PROFESSIONALY!
(KuntzWhale throws his notes up and walks away, dejected)
Fin.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Larry Bowa Makes His Prime-Time Television Debut
PBS Sports- For Those Without Faces recently hosted a roundtable discussion featuring some of its demographic's more iconic figures. We have but a snippet.
Kurt Cobain: So, in essence, what we're seeing here is the evolution of the modern political system.
JonBenét Ramsey: Oh, look at you, Kurt! All high and fucking mighty 'cause you could once get loaded on cheap Washington smack and strum the chords to a Boston song like Spud in Trainspotting. Fuck you, you flannel wearing cocksmacker.
Kurt Cobain: I believe what we're seeing here is a bit of misplaced aggression, Ms. Ramsey? You have to do as the doctors told you: Direct it at only those who hurt you.
JonBenét Ramsey: What "we're" seeing, Kurt? What "we're" fucking seeing?! You always say that, like if the entire motherfucking planet is on your wavelength. Newsflash, dickwillow, we're not all sailing on purple clouds to majestic mountains of fermented pixie dust! For some of us, it's just "hmm...that turd is a weird color" or "wow, 37 parts of me are spread across a motherfucking basement." But you wouldn't understand that, would you...you narcissistic prick. No fucking wonder Courtney Love blew a hole through your face and ran off with your fame.
Ed Gein Victim: Wow...that's a bit, um, unnecessary, don't you think?
JonBenét Ramsey: Oh, shut the fuck up! At least an old man didn't turn my kidneys into a double-sided, razor edged dildo.
Kurt Cobain: (sigh) Since you can't be saved, let's just call on our next guest. He's a-
JonBenét Ramsey: He's a fucking belligerent homofaggot, that's what the fuck he is. And let me guess, Kurt, he's got- gasp!- NO. FUCKING. FACE. Am I right? Am I right? What a twist! This is Shyamalan stuff, Kurt! Shyamalan stuff.
Kurt Cobain: Right. Well, if you'll all join me in welcoming former Philadelphia Phillies manager Larry Bowa, who recently got piss drunk and went bobbing for apples in a bucket of hydrochloric acid.
(audience cheers)
Kurt Cobain: Hey, Larry.
Larry Bowa: mgrrr, gwrrr. Frrrrg gwrrrr.
JonBenét Ramsey: Well then, aren't you just the cesspool of insight?
Ed Gein Victim: Now, Ms. Ramsey...you remember how hard it was for you to speak clearly at first without a face.
JonBenét Ramsey: (lights cigarette) Another word out of you and I'll use your skull to drink my tomato soup out of. Clear, cocksprinkles?
Kurt Cobain: Ramsey! What the fu- heck- are you doing?! You can't smoke in here!
JonBenét Ramsey: Says Smacky the Midnight Dragon? I think I'll smoke all I want, cuntfester.
Larry Bowa: Mwwwrrrgggg! Gwrrg!
Ed Gein Victim: Alright, Ramsey...this is going way too far! There's people looking up to us!
JonBenét Ramsey: I warned you, you fucking glorified Halloween costume.
Ed Gein Victim: Oh, fuck this! At least my parents don't play Where's Waldo with my vital organs on my 11th fucking birthday!
JonBenét Ramsey: Know what, asshole? This is fucking ON! (begins yelling) RAAAAAWR! RAWWWR! I AM A SUN KISSED QUEEN! LICK MY LOCUST PUSSY! DEVOUR ME! RAAWWWRRR!
(Ed Gein Victim starts throwing things)
Kurt Cobain: Ladies, Gentlemen, please! Settle down! We're not even halfway through! Think of the children!
JonBenét Ramsey: Fuck you, and fuck the fucking children, dickbuckets! I KEEL DOSE COCKROACHES!
Larry Bowa: Gwwrrrr Rwwrgg!!!
Kurt Cobain: (sobbing) Please! I can't take any more of this! Settle down!
JonBenét Ramsey: You gonna write a whiney fucking song about me, Kurt? "Oh, Rape ME! Rape me, ballotpenis!"
(Larry Bowa collapses onto the floor and begins vomiting all over himself)
Ed Gein Victim: BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE! I'LL KILL ANY MOTHERFUCKIN' WHITE PEOPLE I LAY MY EYES ON!
(Kurt Cobain picks up a shotgun and blasts himself)
Commercials
...If there is a Hell, I'm pretty sure I've got a penthouse suite waiting for me there.
Kurt Cobain: So, in essence, what we're seeing here is the evolution of the modern political system.
JonBenét Ramsey: Oh, look at you, Kurt! All high and fucking mighty 'cause you could once get loaded on cheap Washington smack and strum the chords to a Boston song like Spud in Trainspotting. Fuck you, you flannel wearing cocksmacker.
Kurt Cobain: I believe what we're seeing here is a bit of misplaced aggression, Ms. Ramsey? You have to do as the doctors told you: Direct it at only those who hurt you.
JonBenét Ramsey: What "we're" seeing, Kurt? What "we're" fucking seeing?! You always say that, like if the entire motherfucking planet is on your wavelength. Newsflash, dickwillow, we're not all sailing on purple clouds to majestic mountains of fermented pixie dust! For some of us, it's just "hmm...that turd is a weird color" or "wow, 37 parts of me are spread across a motherfucking basement." But you wouldn't understand that, would you...you narcissistic prick. No fucking wonder Courtney Love blew a hole through your face and ran off with your fame.
Ed Gein Victim: Wow...that's a bit, um, unnecessary, don't you think?
JonBenét Ramsey: Oh, shut the fuck up! At least an old man didn't turn my kidneys into a double-sided, razor edged dildo.
Kurt Cobain: (sigh) Since you can't be saved, let's just call on our next guest. He's a-
JonBenét Ramsey: He's a fucking belligerent homofaggot, that's what the fuck he is. And let me guess, Kurt, he's got- gasp!- NO. FUCKING. FACE. Am I right? Am I right? What a twist! This is Shyamalan stuff, Kurt! Shyamalan stuff.
Kurt Cobain: Right. Well, if you'll all join me in welcoming former Philadelphia Phillies manager Larry Bowa, who recently got piss drunk and went bobbing for apples in a bucket of hydrochloric acid.
(audience cheers)
Kurt Cobain: Hey, Larry.
Larry Bowa: mgrrr, gwrrr. Frrrrg gwrrrr.
JonBenét Ramsey: Well then, aren't you just the cesspool of insight?
Ed Gein Victim: Now, Ms. Ramsey...you remember how hard it was for you to speak clearly at first without a face.
JonBenét Ramsey: (lights cigarette) Another word out of you and I'll use your skull to drink my tomato soup out of. Clear, cocksprinkles?
Kurt Cobain: Ramsey! What the fu- heck- are you doing?! You can't smoke in here!
JonBenét Ramsey: Says Smacky the Midnight Dragon? I think I'll smoke all I want, cuntfester.
Larry Bowa: Mwwwrrrgggg! Gwrrg!
Ed Gein Victim: Alright, Ramsey...this is going way too far! There's people looking up to us!
JonBenét Ramsey: I warned you, you fucking glorified Halloween costume.
Ed Gein Victim: Oh, fuck this! At least my parents don't play Where's Waldo with my vital organs on my 11th fucking birthday!
JonBenét Ramsey: Know what, asshole? This is fucking ON! (begins yelling) RAAAAAWR! RAWWWR! I AM A SUN KISSED QUEEN! LICK MY LOCUST PUSSY! DEVOUR ME! RAAWWWRRR!
(Ed Gein Victim starts throwing things)
Kurt Cobain: Ladies, Gentlemen, please! Settle down! We're not even halfway through! Think of the children!
JonBenét Ramsey: Fuck you, and fuck the fucking children, dickbuckets! I KEEL DOSE COCKROACHES!
Larry Bowa: Gwwrrrr Rwwrgg!!!
Kurt Cobain: (sobbing) Please! I can't take any more of this! Settle down!
JonBenét Ramsey: You gonna write a whiney fucking song about me, Kurt? "Oh, Rape ME! Rape me, ballotpenis!"
(Larry Bowa collapses onto the floor and begins vomiting all over himself)
Ed Gein Victim: BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE! I'LL KILL ANY MOTHERFUCKIN' WHITE PEOPLE I LAY MY EYES ON!
(Kurt Cobain picks up a shotgun and blasts himself)
Commercials
...If there is a Hell, I'm pretty sure I've got a penthouse suite waiting for me there.
The Adam Sandler Guide To Making A Movie
Step 1: Come up with a word that sounds hilarious to you.
- Gee Grenouille
- Longfellow
- Zohan
- Blart
Step 2: Give the word a conflict
- Is the quarterback for a team that relies much too heavily on someone who needs help chewing his own food.
- Is kind of a hick. And is stuck in a big city...with lots of money.
- Is...Jewish, and was once known for something...but wants to be a hair stylist?
- I'm just saving my money on this one. I assume something happens in the mall that forces this inept, fat sack of cocks to do something.
Step 3: Beg your friends to show up on screen.
- John, I promise...you just make a cameo in this one, and you can eat all the green jell-o I can stuff in my pool. Yes, yes, this is the last one, I promise. All you have to say is "Wow, Troinkz, that's a big truck-full o'deer you got here." The crowd's gonna eat it up.
- Rob, of course you can tickle my anus next Tuesday! Just don't forget, we're shooting "Blaqh Friorct: Substitute Teacher" the morning after.
- Winona, you haven't been shit since Heathers. And that's so '87. If you take the lead role as Mlurga McDoogans, you'll be a star again. No more Saks Fifth; just picture the freedom. Think about it and call me back.
- No, Adam, write the fucking thing. Don't listen to your "better judgement." Fuck that, what made that side of you the "better judgement," anyhow? Has it made you any money? Didn't fucking think so. "Staring At Sjrecropat" is the next Annie Hall; I can feel it.
Step 4: Masturbate furiously.
Booooooooooooooooooooo!
I Recently Added Gerald Ford on Facebook
This has been his status for as long as we've been "friends:"
Gerry Ford is I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!
We're sending help immediately, Mr. Ford.
Gerry Ford is I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!
We're sending help immediately, Mr. Ford.
Sammy Hagar Faces Carlos Ruiz, Haunting Urges
"But I'm not a cockbarrista, nor have I ever been," said Hagar at Tuesday's signing for his Van Hagar reunion tour across Cambodia and Middle America, which will feature his brother-in-law Delbert Dinglefruit of Wilmpur, Indiana on lead guitars. Hagar, who has recently been dodging rumors that he is flambouyantly into playing stick shift (with bandmates), only told us that he still can't drive 55, and anything else will be communicated through his publicist. This was said while the idiotic fuckwarden was busy sucking off Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz. Spoiler Alert: The man swallows."
- New Macedonia Times (a very homophobic newspaper)
I guess this explains Ruiz's terrible OBP. Boooooooo!
- New Macedonia Times (a very homophobic newspaper)
I guess this explains Ruiz's terrible OBP. Boooooooo!
Kenny Loggins Challenges Desi Relaford On His Sexuality
The following transgressions took place on PBS Sports- For The Blind, Deaf, and Mute.
Moderator: Gweieaaarayuuayyaynaasyayysaaa (this is what one would call "a joke in extremelly poor taste.").
Relaford: I am a banana!
Loggins: Desi, do you feel you're letting the kids who idolize you down with your current behavioral patterns?
Relaford: (sings) High. Way. To. The. Daaaangerzone!
Loggins: You're not gonna take this seriously, are you?
Relaford: Every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe! I don't like you because you're dangerous!
Loggins: Seriously, Desi, what you've committed is a capitol offense in some small theocracies. How do you feel about that?
Relaford: I feel like Howard Hughes dipped naked in tapioca pudding.
Moderator: Ryaiieresrt...
Relaford: See, Loggins? He got it! And he's half-past Algernon and that Lawnmower movie! It's a fucking aviation joke, you cockpit.
Loggins: I hate myself...
Relaford: Ahahahahahahahahaha! I said cockpit! Double en-fucking-tendrae! Bwahahahaha!
Moderator: (dies)
Loggins: Um...? Is he alright?
Relaford: Yeehaw! Jester's dead!
Loggins: You're so fucking immature...
Relaford: (furiously laughing) Don't you follow the migratory patterns of small animals?
Loggins: Yeah, so...?
Relaford: No, nothing...shitpumpkin.
Loggins: Asshole.
Relaford: Ballgargler.
Loggins: Fuck you, Desi. I'm out of here. Enjoy prison, you Hiroshima Cockswagger
Loggins storms off the set.
Relaford: (throws bowl of waxed fruit at Loggins)
Loggins is knocked cold, and Relaford steals all the complimentary towels while everyone is trying to wake him up.
Commercials.
Moderator: Gweieaaarayuuayyaynaasyayysaaa (this is what one would call "a joke in extremelly poor taste.").
Relaford: I am a banana!
Loggins: Desi, do you feel you're letting the kids who idolize you down with your current behavioral patterns?
Relaford: (sings) High. Way. To. The. Daaaangerzone!
Loggins: You're not gonna take this seriously, are you?
Relaford: Every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe! I don't like you because you're dangerous!
Loggins: Seriously, Desi, what you've committed is a capitol offense in some small theocracies. How do you feel about that?
Relaford: I feel like Howard Hughes dipped naked in tapioca pudding.
Moderator: Ryaiieresrt...
Relaford: See, Loggins? He got it! And he's half-past Algernon and that Lawnmower movie! It's a fucking aviation joke, you cockpit.
Loggins: I hate myself...
Relaford: Ahahahahahahahahaha! I said cockpit! Double en-fucking-tendrae! Bwahahahaha!
Moderator: (dies)
Loggins: Um...? Is he alright?
Relaford: Yeehaw! Jester's dead!
Loggins: You're so fucking immature...
Relaford: (furiously laughing) Don't you follow the migratory patterns of small animals?
Loggins: Yeah, so...?
Relaford: No, nothing...shitpumpkin.
Loggins: Asshole.
Relaford: Ballgargler.
Loggins: Fuck you, Desi. I'm out of here. Enjoy prison, you Hiroshima Cockswagger
Loggins storms off the set.
Relaford: (throws bowl of waxed fruit at Loggins)
Loggins is knocked cold, and Relaford steals all the complimentary towels while everyone is trying to wake him up.
Commercials.
You Can Never Go Home Again, Oatman... But I Guess You Can Shop There
Times are becoming quite exciting for our Phils, and I am personally enthralled by the new players which I will get to boo. Raul Ibanez...SUCKS! Boooooo! I have no idea who else this turtlefuck team has acquired, nor do I care, because that Amaro shitwaffle is a loaded gun of flaccid dick, waiting to asplode on Val Kilmer's doorstep. Booo! Boo! Boo! These cockfoxes are most definitely finishing in last place next year, proving yet again that I will never see them win enough to be satisfied. It's been way too fucking long since the last title, but I guess I'm just getting started. Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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