Sketchy assignments had me at a World War II leather bondage aficionado festival the other day (don't ask) interviewing the locals on their expectations for the Blue Jays this upcoming season.
You wouldn't believe who I ran into along the way...
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: Have you read this stuff? Tony LaRussa going to the bullpen in mid at-bat? Now that's change you can believe in.
Me: Take off your mask for me, please. Yeah...just as I figured. And...and...why in holy fucking hell are you stripping to your, are those Erik Estrada boxers?!
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: Murtleview High's coach pulled a crippled kid in the 3rd period so he could open a 20 point lead? What next, did he ask Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen "SAY BROTHER, WHY DON'T YA LEND ME A HAND HERE?"
Me: What would happen if I were to spill water on you?
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: Washington Nationals making roster cuts in mid-flight? "Get off my plane!"
Me: How did you get into Canada?
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: More professional athletes staining the game with steroids. This just in: And they would've gotten away with it, too...if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Me: No, really, we have systems set in place to protect this country. Who let you in?
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: You seen the buffet here? One look and you'd think all Canadians eat like Matt Stairs at the Funk-Blaster Festival!
Me: Oh Jesus...
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: We're no strangers to love. I present to you Frida Daezung, a world boomerang champ who did all the little things right. If you know what I mean.
Me: ...
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: So you wanted to be a Maverick, McCain? Well you should've known: Maverick wasn't one to crash and burn when it mattered most.
Me: I hate my life.
Face-Melting Leather Nazi: A former marine biologist, himself, Craig Runstead knew well that fish wouldn't ever walk like man. But when a tragic frying pan accident took his legs, he just reminded himself: man can't swim like fish, either. Now with roles reversed, the world might be treated to Runstead, swimming like fish for his country when London rolls around.
It sort've just kept going like that for another twenty minutes until I finally decided to test my theory out and spill water on him. And let's just say this, if Lisa Leslie were around, she'd tell you: sparks did fly.
Fuck. Shit. Erase that. Motherfucker.
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