If MLB Players Were Mythical Creatures…

I sat at my computer trying to think up a cool name for My Brute and found myself going through names of mythical creatures and gods. That got me thinking, what if MLB players were gods or mythical creatures?

MLB Player: Roy Halladay
















Mythical Creature or God: Thor



Why Thor?
Halladay’s curveball is the sexiest thing Canada has seen since before Tommy Lee’s penis ruined Pam Anderson. Seeing as a badass curveball is also known as a hammer and Thor carries around a literal badass hammer this was a no-brainer.


MLB Player: David Ortiz



















Mythical Creature or God: Ogre


















Why Ogre?
Ogres are fucking scary. David Ortiz is normally a friendly guy, but not when he’s in the batters box. If he’s there and it’s the ninth inning and you’re not rooting for the Red Sox you’re probably shitting your pants because he is probably going to something to screw you over. It doesn’t matter if your pitcher throws 150 MPH, because Papi will find a way to bloop it off the end of the bat and have it land somewhere there isn’t a fielder. Also, he looks like Shrek.


MLB Player: Kyle Farnsworth



















Mythical Creature or God: Ares






















Why Ares?
Ares was the Greek god of war. Farnsworth has a history of, well, fucking people up and bringing warfare to the diamond. Take this little video for example: Video Link.


MLB Player: Kenny Lofton
















Mythical Creature or God: The Verizon Guy

Why the Verizon Guy?
At one point in his career Kenny Lofton played for 9 teams over six years. Essentially, he was the MLB’s version of that whore in high school who had her own version of “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.” Same thing with the Verizon guy. He is everywhere. Seriously, just in the time I’ve been writing this article he’s walked past my house three times.


MLB Player: Carlos Gomez













Mythical Creature or God: Pard



Why Pard?
First of all, most of you are probably asking “What in the in name of Roy Halladay’s curveball is a Pard?” A Pard was an animal that was believed to be extremely fast and mate with lions to make leopards, which only proves that people in the middle ages were fucking stupid and were too concerned with the black death to know anything about zoology. Anyway, Carlos Gomez is fast as hell and as he so simply put it, “I've always been fast because my dad was very fast.” Not hard to extrapolate, maybe Gomez is as smart as those that came up with the Pard‘s mating habits.


MLB Player: Matt Wieters


















Mythical Creature or God: Matt Wieters


















Why Matt Wieters?
He’s Matt Wieters, god damnit.


MLB Player: Alex Rodriguez



Mythical Creature or God: Popobawa



















Why Popobawa?
A popobawa is a one eyed flying ogre from Tanzania. That isn’t so weird, comparatively, right? Well, you’d be right if it stopped there. The popobawa is also known for sneaking into houses during the night and then forcefully sodomizing any men he happens to find there. Seriously, that is probably what A-rod is thinking about while looking in that mirror, “Holy shit, my ass looks hot! I wish I had a doppelganger to fuck.”


MLB Player: David Eckstien
















Mythical Creature or God: Elf















Why Elf?
Just fucking look at him.

(Side note: According to Google’s image search Female elves are hot to a ridiculous degree)