Canada is internationally renowned for being a place of wonder, and opportunity, and sweet, sweet cherry pie. It's a vast, icy, frigid expanse, inhabited only by those guilty of the most heinous offenses against man, their descendents, and the clinically insane (American term: hippie). It's also the Mother Superior of all lands across Earth.
As such, its baseball team gets a TV show. A cultured, intelligent, quirky, witty one that douchebag hipsters can ironically enjoy 10 years from now. Fuck you.
Overbay Bay
(Spandau Ballet song plays, because we're cultured, as intro credits show stars doing cheesy things. Rod Barajas is chasing a dog with nothing but a bowler hat on. Vernon Wells plays an accordion. Scott Rolen wears an old San Francisco Giants jacket.)
Rolen: Hey gang, I'm making breakfast.
Adam Lind: Dad, I need $5.
B.J. Ryan: Why, Adam? Men don't need $5. Men need TOOLS! Grr!
Lind: Right, well, the annoying, creepy neighbor girl with halitosis is taking me...somewhere. Somewhere that will get us in mountains of not-very-serious trouble. (pouts) Now I need my $5. Pleeeeease!
Ryan: Rawr! Manly job! Come with me to fix a car today, Adam! Just the two of us...MEN! Grr!
Lind: Oh for fuck's sake, that hasn't been funny since 1994! Can you please shut up?!
Ryan: No! My cock is NOT small!
(B.J. Ryan runs off crying in a fit of insecurity. Laugh track)
Matt Stairs: He's right, Adam, what you need is a job. Discipline. You could use it.
Lind: Shut up, Uncle Phil. Fat joke!
(laugh track)
Stairs: (growls)
Rolen: Now, Matt, you know violence is not the answer here.
Stairs: Don't you make rape jokes for a living?
(Pitching coach Brad Arnsberg comes over)
Rolen: (to camera) Look, kids! It's our friendly neighbor, Mr. Arnsby from WallaGullaBulla Dickstroke Island! Do you know what Mr. Arnsby can do? He can count to 10! Yay!
(Children track cheers)
Rolen: (sings) Mr. Arnsby...what brings you over?
Arnsberg: Rolen, why do you regress 25 years every time I come over? (to Lind) I'm here because of you, Mr. Lind. Your grades have been suffering as of late. But I trust you've prepared for your exam today? If you don't get a C, Mr. Lind, it's summer school (echo: summer school) for you.
Lind: (in mind) Oh, mylanta! Subplot! I don't know Eastern Europe! What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! (out loud) Of course, Mr. Arnsby! You can count on me! Sofia, Ukraine. (pause) I wouldn't miss the Juvenile Penis PukeSprinkles in concert for anything in the world.
Arnsberg: ...I look forward to this, Mr. Lind. (leaves)
(Lind's rebel friend Dustin McGowan enters)
McGowan: Adam, Adam! Arnsby dropped the keys to his cabin outside. Let's drive up there and look for the answers!
Lind: How?
McGowan: In my dad's pickup, man!
Lind: Won't he be mad?
McGowan: Nah, he took the trailer off to track down my runaway, alcoholic mother.
Lind: Oh my God, this is perfect! We're gonna pass!
McGowan: We're gonna be front and center. At the Juvenile Penis PukeSprinkles! While your idiot lookalike keeps chasing Winnie Cooper!
(Lind and McGowan start dancing to a certain Tom Jones song. Laugh track)
(Jesse Litsch walks down the stairs with Blue Jay Groupie Trenni Kusnierek. Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love plays on the radio. Women cheer ravenously)
Jesse Litsch: Have mercy! The Juvenile Penis PukeSprinkles? That's not rock 'n roll. Come by room later tonight and I'll show you rock 'n roll.
(Travis Snider- played by Mary Kate Olsen- walks in)
Snider: You got it, dude!
(laugh track)
Blue Jay Groupie Trenni Kusnierek: (to Snider) I think he was talking to Adam, Travis.
Jesse Litsch: Yeah, sorry Travis. It'll just be me and Lind tonight, capisch? I'm callin' up the boys and getting the band together again for the 8th time this season.
Blue Jay Groupie Trenni Kusnierek: Like hell you are, Jesse. (ruffles hair) I've got work to get done. No noise tonight.
Jesse Litsch: Hey, watch the hair! (rolls eyes) Women! AmIright?
(Men cheer)
Blue Jay Groupie Trenni Kusnierek: (sighs) Men...
(women cheer)
Blue Jay Groupie Trenni Kusnierek: I've gotta be on my way, though. Traffic won't clear itself. You comin', Jesse?
Rolen: Wait, Jesse? Why are you going?
Jesse Litsch: Oh, I got a job at the local radio station impersonating the same 4 people with Joe Carter.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Ichiro enters...unexpectedly)
Lind: Dude, the Simpsons are being shot next door...
(And with that, we've hit a new low)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesse Litsch: By the way, there's a donkey in the living room.
(There's a donkey in the living room. Laugh track)
Rolen: What?! How?!
(Mark Mulder and Vin Scully enter)
Mulder: Cancer man. Not your average donkey.
Rolen: ...What? Who are you?
Mulder: Don't worry. Just get out. Scully, what's your take?
Scully: I want to believe. What I. Just. Saw.
Mulder: Ever the skeptic, Scully. And in such a cute skirt. This has Squeeze written all over it.
Scully: You think it's...the cigarette smok-
Rolen: Anna! Wh-how...you don't even sleep with this team!
Mulder: Right. I think we're gonna just head out then...
(Muler and Scully leave)
(Anna Benson is wearing fishnet stockings and smoking a cigarette on the couch)
Anna: Yeah? So?
Rolen: Don't "yeah," me! You dirtied the couch!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beavis: Hehheh. Hehheh. I dirtied the couch, too.
Butthead: Uh...that's gay, Beavis. No. Wait. Score. Uh...huhuh.
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Anna: So? Get the butler to clean it up...
(Cito Gaston walks by)
Gaston: Yes, and if David Eckstein were still on this team, you could've made a Seinfeld joke as well, Master Benson.
(laugh track)
Anna: Oh, stop talking and clean, Cito.
Gaston: (rolls eyes) As you wish...Wait, Master Benson. Is...is that...a belly you've got?
Anna: What? Huh? Of course not!
Rolen: No, I think it is! You wanna explain that, Anna?
Anna: Huh? Of course not!
(Roy Halladay and Alex Rios enter)
Voiceover: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equal entities: The police who investigate the crime, and the District Attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
Rolen: (looking around in confusion) What the hell?!
(Familiar bassline plays)
Halladay: If you won't tell him, you'll have to tell us.
Rios: No more games.
Halladay: This is a crime scene now, Benson. You can spill here or downtown. Your call.
Rios: And don't think we won't do whatever it takes to find out, Benson.
Rolen: Listen, guys, I appreciate the help, but there were already 2 cops here today...and I just want my-
Rios: Your quiet, sir? Your "quiet" can come once you're safe. Right now, Benson is behind something, and we have a warrant to investigate.
Anna: Look. I'm not behind anything! You two are doing the same shit you always do. Start out harrassing the wrong person, arrest someone totally unrelated, and then watch the real perps get off on some bullshit technicality. Don't you ever learn? It's the Nationals blog you should be going after! The Nationals blog!
Halladay: Hey! That's enough out of you!
Anna: (rolls eyes) I thought you wanted me to talk...
Rios: Oh, a wise ass, eh?
(Vernon Wells enters)
Wells: (nasal tone) Hey Mr. Rolen, Mr. Cops...Anna. You guys promised me we'd go skydiving 8 years ago. And here's today!
(laugh track)
Rios: Who is this?
Rolen: Ignore him. That's our idiot neighbor.
Rios: The one you can't see over the fence?
Rolen: No, no, he moved away months ago.
Halladay: (sigh) You seen one black sitcom character safe enough for white T.V., you seen 'em all.
Wells: (playing a saxophone now) Hey, now...I resent that, ya dig?
Halladay: Never mind, he's guilty of something! Get his ass!
(Rios and Halladay chase Wells outside. Laugh track, bassline)
Anna: ...morons.
Rolen: Look, Anna, right or wrong, you're still pregnant. And you're still smoking cigarettes. Now I understand this must be a difficult time for you but-
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(this is the part we let David Lynch direct)
Rolen: -but you're still going to help me find that friend of yours.
Anna: No!
Rolen: (laughs) See these cards? They mean you're all dead!
(Rolen laughs maniacally)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rolen: -but you can't go around acting like this. It's unsafe. You could get hurt out there, Anna.
(sentimental music plays)
Anna: You mean...you really care?
Rolen: Of course I do. We all do. (pause) Now...why don't you tell me who got you into this whole pregnant mess?
Anna: (long pause) F-fine...It happened by the dock...
Rolen: With? Anna, I won't be mad, I promise.
Anna: With...with...
(Lind walks back in)
Lind: (singing) We run, we jump, we swim and play. We row and go on trips. But the things that last forever are our dear friendships...
Rolen: Hey, Adam! Back so soon? Pull up a chair! Why don't ya join us so we can circumvent half the plot development and reach a climax before the next commercial break?
Lind: (noticing Anna, becoming visibly nervous) Love to, but whatever it is...I have homework! Gotta go!
Rolen: No, wait, why don't you stick around for this?
Lind: Can't, really...so much math, science, histor-
(Pitching coach Brad Arnsberg enters again)
Rolen: Oh, lookie, children! Mr. Arnsby's back! And what's that? You're going to tell us Adam took the keys to your cabin? Well, how 'bout we pull out our handy-dandy notebooks and find out why?
Arnsberg: Will you stop calling me that retarded name?! (to Lind) Where are the-
Rolen: So far we've found a raging libido. Is that a clue? Yes it is! A broken condom! Also a clue? Oh,you bet'cha!
Anna: Ok, ok...stop with the clues. It was him! (pointing to Lind) Fuck! Adam Lind, my brother on this sitcom, got me pregnant! We did in the shower while Jesse Litsch's rockabilly stuff played! He stuffed Snider's ducky in my pus-dripping pussy and that's how it happened!
Rolen: (dropping the notebook) WHAT?!
Anna: Everything about needing $5 and the keys to the cabin were a setup so we could skip town...but I got second thoughts. (breaking down) I'm sorry!
Arnsberg: (to Lind) You fuckjello!
Lind: Imagine that...4 P.M.? Time for me to, uh...be somewhere else!
Rolen and Arnsberg: No, no, no, no, no!
(Instead of talking this out, Rolen calls Ryan down again, who brings a chainsaw and a machete. Handing them over to Arnsberg and Rolen, he sits back, opens a beer, and congratulates himself on being manly while they proceed to treat Lind as if he were a rainforest standing in the way of a monstrous new hotel.)
(laugh track)
Rolen: You wanna see what getting fucked is, Lind?!
Arnsberg: The capital of Hungary is NOT McDonalds!
(Rios and Halladay re-enter)
Rios and Halladay: You were right abo- (pause)...The fuck?!
(bassline plays)
(A bell sounds just as Rolen and Arnsberg are about to lay the final blows on Lind)
Studio Assistant: That's a wrap, guys! Time constraints. (patting Arnsberg on the ass) But good job out there. All of you.
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