How Canada Will Save The Economy

Let's face it, America is weak. Right now, it's the child in the grocery store crying because you won't buy him six boxes of Chips Ahoy cookies. It has been spoiled rotten by years of being able to piss away whatever it had and now finds itself at our porch, with a bottle of whiskey in hand, freezing. Its coat is ripped, its hair a mess. It wants to come in.

Fuck that, says Canada. We're not in the business of bailouts here. We'll fix America, while it gets fucked skinny out in the frigid snow. Let it build a snowman, or something, to pass the time. If its a pretty one, we'll send it off with 5 extra dollars, in Angolan money.

Anyways, here are OJBO's plans:

Solution A: Buy The Colorado Rockies For Cheap

• The Problem- American banks are currently swimming in rancid pools of more toxic waste than a Miley Cyrus album. This is mostly because back when the inflammed retards who run the places were rich, they thought it'd be funny to lend money to families so they could buy up nuclear waste site properties and then hide the profit in Aruba (Sidney Ponson's basement, to be exact). If this isn't what happened, it's what I think happened.
• The Solution- From here on out, OJBO will exert dominant reasoning and declare the Colorado Rockies the eptiome of these toxic wastes. We will then buy the Colorado Rockies. What will this do? It'll give America $30, in Angolan money, and OJBO a place to dump used cups of Tim Horton's. Everyone wins.

Solution B: Circulate A Tim Geithner Sex Tape

• The Problem- Tim Geithner is a flaccid little cockbristle who refuses to pay his taxes or come up with any plan that doesn't seem like a Flutie pass without wide receivers in the end-zone. To put it in simpler terms, if Tim Geithner were given the chance to fly an airplane, he'd probably choose the one without wings and forget to fuel it. Tim Geithner sucked at Pilot Wings for the N64.
• The Solution- Sex sells. Barbie made a fortune out of being the only other piece of plastic 13 year old boys would shamelessly rub all over their dicks, after the Nintendo PowerGlove and the cover to Guns 'N Roses' Appetite For Destruction. By applying the same principles, and photoshopping a set of gorgeous tits onto Geithner, we can film him fucking a donkey in the backyard of the White House while eating dollar bills off the shit covered ground. People will watch this, because people like to watch other people- especially ones on TV- fuck a lot. Each view will cost $2.

Solution C: Disguise Men In Masks of U.S. Presidents, Have Them Take Over Banks

• The Problem- You ever walked down Chinatown and had to dodge 8,000 requests to buy Louis Vitton purses made of burnt rubber and Rolex watches that are actually a bunch of glass shards and bottlecaps glued together? No? Then have you ever gone to a record store and seen a Kenny Chesney album at the front? You didn't buy it, did you? Of course not, becuase that'd be idiotic. Those are all products comparable to a stomach virus, or some shit like that. That's exactly how most people not retarded see the putrid feces banks are hocking right now. They all suck more than Li'l Kim trying to get a promotion.
• The Solution- If the people won't take the products, they'll gladly take the producers. Remember in Escape From New York when the rebels overtook Air Force One to make a statement? This is vaguely similar in principle. And it's only fair. If the banks suck this fucking much, we'll exert communism at full force. OJBO is willing to dress up six men in masks of U.S. Presidents, arm them, and send them off to take control of these banks through force. The one dressed as Nixon will bust in, shoot some caps at the ceiling, and claim the bank for the underground Canadian government (us). If he is initally laughed at, the five others will come through with pipe bombs and exposed penises. Since anyone running a bank right now is a ponzi-scheming pussy, we'll be more than successful. Once we own these funhouses of fecal matter, we'll turn them into concentration camps, embassies, and hostels. They'll be sold to the Russians for $17 billion each. We'll be rich.

Solution D: Send A Lesbian FBI Agent to Ask Hannibal Where the Extra Money Is

• The Problem- The FBI has lost touch with its deviant side. It needs lesbians who act like whores who get presidents shot at. And Hannibal is still eating children. Plus, did I mention America is poor and he is smart enough to know where some hidden money might be?
• The Solution- This won't work. I'm just killing space.

Solution E: Go Ellen Ripley On a Motherfucker

• The Problem- Screw a background. Just know that this is drastic as shit. And we're really close. Maybe too close.
• The Solution-

When the light's out, it's less dangerous. And at least we'd have bigger things to worry about. Also, John Connor could finally rise.

"It's the only way to be sure."

This is a joke. Please don't think we mean this.