Closer Music Roundtable

J. P. Ricciardi recently sat down with the best music that Canada has to offer in a secret meeting at the local Tim Horton’s. Luckily, Matt McWop was on the scene and able to shoe horn himself into a trash can with a tape recorder to bring you this breaking news. Apparently, closer BJ Ryan will have new entry music this season, and Canadian artists were jumping to be the ones with this prestigious honor. Here’s how it went down:

Ricciardi: So, what do you all have to offer me?

Chad Kroeger: S.E.X.

Ricciardi: I was looking for something a little more family appropriate.

Kroeger: Strippers?

Ricciardi: Anybody else have ideas?

Corey Hart: I wear my sunglasses at night. So I can, So I can, keep track of the visions in my eyes!!!!

Ricciardi: We play in a dome. Come on, we need better than this.

Avril Lavigne: He was a sk8er boi she said see ya later boi.

Ricciardi: If BJ Ryan had a sex change while I wasn’t looking and if it turns out A-rod and Jeter are actually Sean White and Bob Burnquist, then yes.

Kroeger: May I add something?

Ricciardi: *sigh* Go ahead Chad.

Kroeger: Avril, you’d look so much cuter with something in your mouth.

Ricciardi: Do you ever not think with your dick?

Deryck Whibley: Don’t count on meeeeeeee.

Ricciardi: Exactly the opposite message we want to send, do you have anything that would inspire more confidence?

Whibley: In Too Deep?

Kroeger: I could make a sexual reference about that.

Whibley: Walking Disaster?

Ricciardi: BJ Ryan is our closer, not Byung Hyun Kim.

Kroeger: Kim's the first girl I kissed, I was so nervous that I nearly missed.

Ricciardi: Chad, will you shutup about anything sexual for five minutes?

Kroeger: That would require me not to talk for about 4 minutes and 43 seconds.

Ricciardi: I know that.

Kroeger: I can try.

Ricciardi: Alright, how about you Miss Morissette? What do you have to add?

Morissete: It's a death row pardon two minutes too late.

Ricciardi: I hope you’re talking about Chad’s no talking rule.

Morissete: I am.

Ricciardi: Well, then what are your thoughts about Mr. Ryan’s entry music?

Morissete: You lose you learn.

Ricciardi: Something a little more gritty?

Morissete: You bleed you learn.

Ricciardi: Maybe we need to head in more classic direction.

Neil Young: But there's a warnin' sign on the road ahead. There's a lot of people sayin' we'd be better off dead.

Ricciardi: We are not the Nationals.

Young: Oh, right. Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

Ricciardi: Holy shit, a not half bad idea. I’d like to hear something from another genre before I make my decision though.

Snow: LICKEY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

Kroeger: Pretty-little-lady-with-the-pretty-pink-thong-Every-sugar-daddy-hittin-on-her-all-night-long-Doesn't-care-about-the-money-she-could-be-with-anybody-Ain't-it-funny-how-the-honey-wanted-you-all-along?

Ricciardi: PLEASE MAKE THIS END!!!!!!

Neil Peart: *Drum solo using an unsharpened pencil, a plastic spork, a Blue Jays program, Chad Kroger’s libido, a styrofoam cup, and a doughnut*

Ricciardi: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!